How I Learned to Love Myself After Years of Self-Hatred

The Beginning of My War With Myself

For years, I lived as my own worst enemy. Every glance in the mirror was a battle, every thought an attack, and every mistake a confirmation of my deepest fears: that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t worthy of love, that I was a failure. If you’ve ever felt this way, you know how exhausting it is. Self-hatred isn’t just a mindset—it’s a slow, invisible poison that seeps into every part of your life.

The roots of my self-hatred ran deep. Maybe it was childhood conditioning, past traumas, or the relentless comparison to others that social media magnifies. Whatever the cause, I lived under a crushing weight of self-criticism, convinced that no matter what I achieved, I would never be worthy of my own kindness.

Then, something changed.

The Moment of Realization

It wasn’t an overnight transformation. It wasn’t a single epiphany. It was a series of small moments—an accumulation of pain, exhaustion, and glimpses of hope that forced me to ask myself: What if I didn’t have to live like this? What if the voice in my head wasn’t telling the truth?

One pivotal moment was standing in front of the mirror and realizing I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way I spoke to myself. That hit me hard. If I could offer kindness to a stranger, why couldn’t I extend even a fraction of that to myself?

Rewiring My Mindset: The Science of Self-Compassion

Understanding the science behind self-hatred helped me break free. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, explains that our brains are wired to focus on threats. This includes social rejection, perceived failures, and self-judgment. When I criticized myself harshly, my brain treated it as an attack, triggering a stress response. In contrast, practicing self-compassion activated my parasympathetic nervous system—the body's way of calming itself down.

I learned that self-love isn't about arrogance or blind positivity. It’s about acknowledging your struggles without judgment, treating yourself as you would a dear friend.

Breaking the Cycle: What Actually Worked

1. Challenging the Inner Critic

I started questioning my negative thoughts instead of accepting them as absolute truth. Every time my mind whispered, You’re not good enough, I asked, Says who? When I thought, You always mess up, I countered with, Always? What about that time I succeeded?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques helped me reframe my thoughts. I started writing down the harshest things I said to myself and then responding with evidence to the contrary. Over time, this rewiring changed the way I saw myself.

2. Replacing Self-Punishment With Self-Care

I used to see self-care as a reward for doing well. But I realized it had to become a necessity, not a luxury. Simple acts—getting enough sleep, nourishing my body, moving in ways that felt good—became my rebellion against self-hatred.

I made a conscious decision: Every time I wanted to punish myself, I would do something kind instead. If I failed at something, instead of self-loathing, I’d take a deep breath and remind myself that failure is part of being human.

3. Practicing Radical Self-Acceptance

I stopped waiting to love myself until I lost weight, got a better job, or became more “perfect.” I realized I had to love myself as I was, not as some future version of myself. This was the hardest part—accepting myself in a state I previously deemed unworthy.

Radical self-acceptance doesn’t mean you stop growing. It means you embrace yourself in this moment while still working toward the life you want.

4. Letting Go of Toxic Comparisons

Social media made self-hatred worse for me. I constantly compared my behind-the-scenes struggles to someone else’s highlight reel. So I started curating my environment: unfollowing accounts that made me feel inadequate, surrounding myself with people who uplifted me, and reminding myself that someone else’s beauty or success doesn’t diminish my own.

5. Finding a Purpose Beyond Perfection

One of the biggest shifts happened when I stopped obsessing over being perfect and focused on what I could give to the world. I started writing more, sharing my story, helping others. Suddenly, my worth wasn’t tied to my flaws—it was tied to my ability to connect, to create, to be human.

The Ongoing Journey

Loving myself didn’t mean I never struggled again. I still have bad days. But now, I catch myself before spiraling. I remind myself that growth isn’t linear, and self-love is a lifelong practice.

If you’re battling self-hatred, know this: You don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you. You are worthy of kindness—especially your own. Healing isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about coming home to yourself.

And that? That is worth fighting for.

The deepest hurt in love isn’t the chaos—it’s standing beside someone, both knowing it’s over. No drama, no final words, just crushing silence and an unspoken goodbye that settles in your chest like a cold truth. You wait for closure, but all that remains is the echo of what was left unsaid.

- Dear Luna, It Fades Away