How to Heal When You Can’t Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

Why Forgiveness Isn’t Always the Answer

We’ve all heard the advice: “You need to forgive to move on.” But what if you can’t? What if the pain is too deep, the betrayal too severe, and the idea of forgiveness feels like surrendering to injustice?

Healing doesn’t always require forgiveness. While some people find peace in forgiving, others heal through acceptance, boundary-setting, and self-prioritization. If you’ve been struggling to forgive but still want to heal, this is for you.

The Myth of Forgiveness as a Requirement for Healing

Many cultures and spiritual traditions glorify forgiveness as the ultimate act of strength. However, research in psychology suggests that forced forgiveness can actually prolong emotional distress. Studies show that healing is about reclaiming power—not necessarily about excusing or pardoning the one who hurt you.

When you’re unable to forgive, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or bitter. It means your mind and body are still processing pain, and forcing forgiveness prematurely can create more harm than good.

Step 1: Accept That Your Pain Is Valid

One of the most damaging things you can do is suppress or minimize your pain. You were hurt. Acknowledge it. Validate your emotions instead of rushing to silence them.

Actionable Step:

• Write a letter to yourself describing what happened, how it made you feel, and what you lost in the process.

• Give yourself permission to feel those emotions without judgment.

Step 2: Shift the Focus from Them to You

When we can’t forgive, our minds often stay locked onto the person who wronged us. This gives them power over our emotions and mental well-being. The real healing begins when you shift that focus back onto yourself.

Actionable Step:

• Make a list of things you want to reclaim—your peace, your confidence, your joy.

• Each day, commit to one small action that serves YOU, not them.

Step 3: Find Closure Without Forgiveness

Closure isn’t something they can give you—it’s something you create for yourself. You don’t need an apology to move forward.

Actionable Step:

• Perform a symbolic act of closure: Write a letter to them (without sending it), delete old messages, or engage in a cleansing ritual like burning a piece of paper with their name on it.

• Practice visualization: Picture yourself letting go of the emotional weight they hold over you.

Step 4: Redefine Healing on Your Terms

Healing isn’t linear, and it doesn’t have a universal formula. What does healing look like for you? Does it mean peace of mind, trusting people again, or feeling whole despite what happened?

Actionable Step:

• Define what healing means to you in one sentence.

• Work toward that goal in small, meaningful steps.

Step 5: Replace Bitterness with Growth

Not forgiving doesn’t mean living in resentment. You can still heal while acknowledging that some wounds don’t require reconciliation.

Actionable Step:

• Reframe the experience: What has this pain taught you? How have you grown?

• Engage in activities that rebuild your sense of self—therapy, journaling, new hobbies, or helping others who have experienced similar pain.

Final Thought: You Deserve to Heal

Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a requirement. If it feels impossible, that’s okay. You are still worthy of healing, peace, and happiness. Take control of your healing process in a way that feels right for you, and remember: moving forward is still possible, even without forgiveness.

The deepest hurt in love isn’t the chaos—it’s standing beside someone, both knowing it’s over. No drama, no final words, just crushing silence and an unspoken goodbye that settles in your chest like a cold truth. You wait for closure, but all that remains is the echo of what was left unsaid.

- Dear Luna, It Fades Away